


Why

by Sentient_Fandom



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1899, Awkward Crush, Crying, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Period-Typical Homophobia, Wizarding World (Harry Potter), Young Albus Dumbledore, Young Gellert Grindelwald
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:02:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22259923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sentient_Fandom/pseuds/Sentient_Fandom
Summary: Albus Dumbledore meets his neighbors great nephew, Gellert Grindelwald, resulting in an awkward meeting and lots of homophobia based self hatred for Albus.
Relationships: Albus Dumbledore/Gellert Grindelwald
Comments: 7
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction so please don't drag me through the dust for minor mistakes. I am still exploring the workings of this foreign hobby. please be understanding, and thank you for reading my work (If that's what you plan to do). that being said, if I do make mistakes please tell me how to fix them or improve my work, I am wholeheartedly open to constructive criticism!

Albus Dumbledoor lived a seemingly normal life to his neighbors in Godrics Hollow, of course it is hard to judge what a "normal" life is when you are so used to your own and have only seen the public side of the peoples lives around you. Albus' neighbors saw him walk to the market to buy food for him and his younger siblings, Aberforth and Ariana, they saw him take walks along a the trails in the nearby forest in his free time, and they saw him visit his parents graves to leave flowers as a small gift. The people in Godrics Hollow knew that both of his parents had died tragically, causing Albus to move back to his family home to take care of his siblings, especially Ariana, who had gone mad a few years earlier. Albus seemed upset when he arrived at Godrics Hollow but he assured his neighbors that he was just mourning the death of his mother and that he would be just as happy as he usually was in a few months. Nobody questioned his answers because they seemed perfectly logical, besides, his mother had just died, he had every right to be upset about such a tragedy.

There was one thing that the people of Godrics Hollow didn't know, and that was that Albus was angry about his current situation. he had planned on traveling the world as soon as he left Hogwarts, he knew that he would be able to get any job he wanted as soon as he was done with his travels, as he had gotten near perfect scores on his OWLS and NEWTS, leaving him with the ability to get whatever job he pleased. Albus was very proud of that fact, he never boasted about his abilities, he knew that that would take the excitement out of it, he much preferred to keep his achievements to himself, it gave him confidence knowing that nobody knew the true extent of his greatness and as he walked down the street he often thought of how passerby's would react if they found out about what he had accomplished at such a young age.

even with all he had accomplished he was angry, he was angry that he couldn't put it to good use because of his mothers death. Albus was horribly saddened by her death of course but that didn't stop him from being angry at the same time. Albus had had to come home much earlier than he would've liked to after his mothers death, his brother Aberforth was still at Hogwarts and Ariana needed constant attention, leaving only one person left to make sure she was a safe, Albus. Albus never took out his anger on young Ariana, however, Aberforth often was victim of Albus' outbursts. Aberforth and Albus steadily began to fight more and more after Aberforth returned from Hogwarts that summer. Aberforth (Or Abe, as he was affectionately called by many people) was very good at helping with Ariana, when she had outbursts he was always able to calm her down, this made Albus mad, he did not want his younger brother to be better than him at something so simple. Albus didn't really want to have to take care of Ariana constantly but he knew he had no choice, and if he had to he wanted to be great at doing so.

Albus spent most of his time writing in his room, he wrote about all of his great ideas. most of his ideas were about the things he could do with his magical abilities. he had a list of things he anted to try one day, some of these things included, turn rain to gold, levitate without magic, and invent the best healing potion ever known. A sentence was scribbled out in his small leather journal, it had once said "I want to travel the world, meet a wise wizard who can help me on my journey, and fix all of the wizarding worlds problems." he had scribbled it out as soon as he got the letter that told him about his mothers death and informed him that if he didn't come home to take care of Ariana they would send her to an orphanage. Albus had arrived home with tears rolling down his face and immediately went to his room to hide under his duvet and sob into his pillow. he truly thought that his one and only true dream had been shattered within a moments time. 

he had cried until no more tears were left, and he finally went downstairs to talk to Ariana, when he walked down the stairs, into the dining room Ariana had been in a good mood, as she always was when Abe played with her. "Hi." She had said happily to Albus, while eating a piece of chocolate that Abe had given her. Abe quickly noticed that Albus was avoiding eye contact with him, and that his cheeks were stained with tears. "It's nice to see you, are you alright?" Abe asked while Ariana was momentarily distracted, Albus immediately started yelling at him "How could anything possibly be alright Abe? Mum's dead and so is every dream I've ever had!". Abe stepped back cautiously, he had never been yelled at by Albus like that in his life. He backed up towards Ariana who was crying, when people yelled about anything she would cry, even if they were yelling excitedly about good things, she would still cry. what most people didn't know about Ariana was that she could understand you, she knew what you were saying, she could even speak, she just couldn't control herself in most circumstances. she knew that her mom was dead, she just wasn't sure how to react to it, and frankly, she wasn't in control of how she reacted to it. Ariana soon calmed down and was once again playing with Aberforth. 

Not long after the death of their mother, one of their neighbors, Bathilda Bagshot, informed Albus that her great nephew (who she didn't know existed until recently) would be staying with her. 

"He is a brilliant boy Albus, and close in age to you, you would make great friends." Bathilda had said calmly to Albus

"I have been rather busy lately with Ariana and Abe, I'm not sure if I would have time to spend." Albus replied. 

"You don't have to spend much time with him, I just wanted you to meet him, there aren't very many Wizards your age in Godrics Hollow."

"I know, I am just very busy, you haven't told me his name yet though, and if I am to meet him, I would like to know his name." 

"Oh, of course, how could I forget? His name is Gellert, Gellert Grindewald." 

"I will remember that. I have to go make dinner for Abe and Ariana, they will be mad at me if I don't get home soon. Have a nice day."

"Goodbye Albus, please visit again soon."

Albus didn't really want to meet this nephew of hers, he wanted to be alone, the last thing he wanted was to have another person to keep up with regularly. He just wanted to stay in his study and never leave again. He would do almost anything for Bathilda, she was one of the few people who knew about Albus' accomplishments and often praised him. when Albus' mother was tied up, taking care of Ariana, Bathilda treated Albus and Abe as her own children, she gave them attention when their mother was busy. after their mother died she comforted them, and would often invite them into her house for cinnamon tea and vanilla cookies, though she didn't know the full story, she accepted Ariana and helped comfort her when she had outbursts sitting with Bathilda. Albus couldn't say no to her over something so simple. 

He soon got home and made toast with cheese for Ariana, who refused to eat anything else that particular night. Ariana has watched in awe as Albus flicked his wand and food was instantly ready for her. Her laugh made Albus happy, she had an angel’s laugh, she didn’t laugh often with Albus, but when she did Albus’ soul sparked for a moment. Ariana being happy truly gave Albus hope, he knew that even Ariana, who had dealt with extreme trauma and psychological damage, could still be happy. If Ariana could be happy, so could he.

After Ariana was sleeping Albus went back to his bedroom. he sat writing for a few minutes until he heard a tapping sound on his window. A beautiful brown owl with black spots sat on his windowsill, It was Bathilda's owl. Albus walked over towards the window and gently slid it open so that he wouldn't wake Ariana or Abe. Tied to the owls foot was a faded blue envelope. Albus took the letter from the owls foot and opened it. 

Dearest Albus, Gellert happened to have arrived earlier than expected. I told him about you and he said he would be more than happy to meet another great wizard near his age. If you wish, you may come to my house tomorrow to meet him. I am sorry for sending an owl so late at night, as I am sure you have been very busy since you left my house today. With love, Bathilda

Albus gingerly folded the letter and slid it back into the envelope. He tossed the envelope onto his desk and sat down on his bed to think. He didn't want to have to spend more time with people than he usually did, but it would make Bathilda so happy. finally he decided that he would go meet Gellert the next morning and go on with his life afterwards. Besides, He was sure the boy wouldn't be offended if he didn't want to spend all day with him, in fact, nobody would ever want to spend all day with a stranger. He would leave his house after Ariana ate breakfast and be home an hour later, it was simple and easy.

Albus changed into his night clothes and climbed into his bed. he flicked his wand, which had been illuminated almost constantly since the sun set. "Nox." Albus said quietly, distiguishing the light from his wand immediately. He could have done this completely nonverbally but it was much more satisfying for him to see the light go out on his demand. He soon fell asleep and dreamt that he was still on his adventure, and that he had been successful in acheiving his dreams.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to IchabodCraneBurton for some very helpful feedback!

Albus woke early the next morning, he had had a dream that seemed so realistic. He couldn't recall all that had happened but he knew it had to do with his travels. it was as if everything that had happened was floating just out of reach and with each second he couldn't recall what had happened it was getting further an further until it was gone. After just a few minutes he couldn't even remember the plot of his dream and walked towards his wardrobe to get dressed. He put on one of his many pairs of long black pants and a buttoned up white shirt. He pulled up a dark red vest over it and walked over to his desk. His desk had a rectangular mirror hanging above it on his wall, he sat in front of it and stared into his own bright blue eyes, a trait shared by his siblings as well. he brushed out the knots in his shoulder length auburn hair and tied it back. He had gotten used to dressing more like a muggle, Godrics Hollow housed both wizards and muggles.

Albus was a rather average looking boy. He wasn't very muscular or tall, in fact he is quite thin and shorter than most of the boys his age. he wasn't extremely short or extremely thin, he was just slightly smaller than the other boys, and that is what made him so normal in his appearance. He only had one defining feature, and that feature was his bright blue eyes. his eyes were so beautiful that strangers he walked by would often compliment him and exclaim that they had always wanted eyes as beautiful as his. These bright blue eyes were not linked with Albus by the people in his town, his bright blue eyes were linked with the Dumbledore's in general. Albus, Aberforth, and Ariana all had these eyes. as did their mother. Albus and his siblings looked very similar, in fact the only thing that set them apart was the color of their hair, Albus had Auburn hair that looked ginger in the sun, Aberforth had brown hair that lightened so much in the summer that it could almost pass as blonde, and Ariana had bright blonde hair that looked, by far, the most striking with the bright blue eyes they all possessed.

The morning went along as planned and Albus showed up at Bathilda's house close to 10:30 AM. He knocked on the door and waited for only a minute before Bathilda opened the door.

"Oh, I wasn't expecting you to come." Bathilda said to Albus  
"Why is that?" Albus asked.  
"You never sent a letter back to me to confirm your visit."  
"I'm sorry, it completely slipped from my mind. Do you want me to come back another time?"  
"No no, of course I want you to stay. Just give me a minute, I'm going to get Gellert to come down here and you two can get to know one another."  


Albus waited on the front stoop and picked at his nails, a habit he inherited from his mother years before. His cuticle started to bleed, he wiped the blood on the leg of his pants just as Gellert walked out the door to meet him. In front of Albus stood a tall boy with blonde hair, (similar to Ariana's) and pale skin. Something about him stood out significantly, and it happened to be the same thing that stood out in Albus' appearance. Gellert's eyes were two different colors, one was a light grayish-blue and the other was dark brown. He looked confident but he held his head slightly tilted as to draw attention away from his face, showing that his mismatched eyes were an insecurity of his. Gellert was taller that Albus by about six inches, and had broader shoulders. he was by no means a giant, but he was larger than Albus (Who, again, was slightly smaller than most). His hair was short and brushed back neatly. He was wearing an outfit rather similar to Albus' but with a day gray vest as opposed to a dark red one. Albus noticed that the boy was oddly beautiful despite his difference, in fact, his eyes added to his beauty. everything about him seemed so charming to Albus, who was quickly brought out of his trance by Gellerts hand, waving in front if him.

"Oh sorry, I got distracted." Albus said, he was clearly tense.  
"Don't worry, it happens all the time." Gellert said nicely, though there was a hint of annoyance in his voice.  
"Uh, I'm sorry. I'm Albus, nice to meet you." he said, holding out his hand towards Gellert.  
"Gellert, Gellert Grindewald." Gellert answered, accepting Albus' handshake.  


Albus didn't know why but his stomach was turned inside out and his heart fluttered when Gellert's hand met his. He found himself feeling very flustered and awkward for the entirety of his visit. He couldn't speak as sharply as he usually would and kept getting distracted by small things about Gellert. The way small pieces of his hair would fall out of place when the wind blew, how he held his hands gently in front of him, how elegantly his lips formed words when he spoke, and other little things about his demeanor that made him all the more charming.

Albus and Gellert upheld awkward smalltalk for about half an hour before Albus decided it was time for him to leave. Albus started walking away but as soon as Gellert had gone back into Bathilda's house, he quickened his pace as to get home faster. his thoughts were going a mile a minute and none of them were even close to being coherent. In the back of his mind he knew what had happened, he knew what he was feeling, but completely refused to acknowledge it. He refused to accept what had happened to him, only freaks felt that way and he knew that he was not one of those freaks.

Albus got back to his house within two minutes but it somehow felt like it had been hours. He opened the door and walked into the foyer, he quickly took off his shoes and walked towards the living room, where he heard Arianas voice chattering excitedly. He walked in and Abe greeted hime with a friendly wave that he promptly ignored. He smiled at Ariana and nodded as she tried to tell him about her favorite dragon and everything she knew about it. Abe laughed along with Ariana as she was describing a Chinese fireball as best she could, all the while Albus was looking through a cabinet next to a large bookshelf. He didn't need anything inside the cabinet, he was just looking for something to distract him from his own thoughts, unsurprisingly, he couldn't escape his own mind. He finally decided to go to his room to think, as opposed to the living room where Ariana and Abe were talking rather loudly. He walked behind Ariana's chair and patted her on the head as he did so. He made his way out of the living room and darted for the stairs.


	3. Chapter 3

Albus got to his room and sat down at his desk in the corner of his room that he called "The study" even though it didn't really count as a study . He sat with his head in his hands and thought back on what had happened. For the first time since he left Bathilda's house he allowed himself to face the truth, he had feelings for Gellert in the same way that a boy would have feelings for a girl, except he wasn't having these feelings for a girl, he was having them for Gellert.

Albus knew that it was bad, that everything he felt was bad, and he hated himself for it, he hated himself because he couldn't just be normal like every other boy his age. Albus thought back to His fifth year at Hogwarts, a boy in the year above him had pursued a secret relationship with a seventh year boy, when his father found out he beat him so badly that he was put in St. Mungo's. Albus knew that there was nobody to beat him in his house, so he did the beating himself, internally. He told himself how much of a failure he was, how he had brought disgrace upon the Dumbledore name, and how he would never talk to Gellert again as long as he lives. this didn't last long, after about an hour of Albus beating himself up he realized something, he was completely overreacting. He thought for a few minutes and realized that if he fell in love with one of the few girls his age in Godric's Hollow, and developed a relationship with one of them, everything would go back to normal, it would all be fine.

Albus took a piece of parchment from a a drawer and wrote a short letter

Dearest Allison,  
I know this may seem out of the blue, considering we seldom talk, with the exception of the few conversations we have had during my morning errands at the market, but I was wondering if you would like to meet me at the Central Park tomorrow at noon so that we could get to know each other a bit more? I completely understand if you are busy or simply don't wish to meet me, but if you do, write me back.

With love,  
Albus Dumbledore.

He gently rolled up the letter and tied a piece of twine around it to keep it closed and connect it to the foot of his owl. He opened his bedroom window to let his owl fly out and threw himself on his bed. before he knew it he was asleep. That night his dreams were blurry and overwhelming. Visions of an owl flying with a letter on it's foot, mismatched eyes, and fingers pricked on rose thorns fogged his brain and soon enough he awoke to a tap on his window.

He jumped out of his bed and rushed to the window when he saw his owl sitting calmly on the windowsill with a new letter tied to his foot. He untied it and let his owl, Igneous, into his room. He hurriedly opened it and to his delight she had agreed to meet him at noon. Albus got dressed and brushed his hair, neatly tying it back out of his face. Allison was a very beautiful girl, she had light brown skin and long black curls that framed her face perfectly, her eyes were such a deep brown that her pupils weren't distinguishable from her irises. He walked down the stairs and saw Abe listening tentatively while Ariana continued to repeat what she had said about Chinese Fireballs the day before.

"Where did I get such an intelligent sister?" Albus said to Ariana happily  
"I don't know." Ariana giggled  
"Well I'm glad you are as smart as you are, If you weren't I never would've passed any of my classes at Hogwarts."  
"I know!"  
"What do you want to eat Ari?"  
"I ate."  
"Already?"  
"It's past 11 o'clock?" Aberforth interupted  
"What?" Albus said  
"It's past 11 o'clock-" Abe repeated "-Ariana obviously would have eaten by now."  


Albus looked at his watch, "I have to go." He said quickly. Albus bolted out the front door before Abe could question him and hurriedly made his way to the Central Park. He looked at his watch as he sat on a bench near a rosebush, he was five minutes early, perfect. He looked over at the roses next to him and had a great idea, he would give Allison a rose, she would surely love that. He put his hand into the bush carefully and pulled out the best rose he could find. He sat waiting nervously and rolled the rose between his thumb and index finger. The rose suddenly pricked him and he immediately dropped it on the ground. Maybe a rose wasn't as great of an idea as he initially thought.

Soon enough Albus hears a girl call his name, he sees Allison and motions for her to sit beside him. Allison gladly does so and immediately starts talking about pointless subjects that couldn’t be more boring to Albus. Allison was quite simple minded, she didn’t think deeply into subjects that she didn’t understand and she preferred small talk over an intellectual conversation. Albus found himself truly regretting his decision to meet her for a “date”. Allison didn’t seem to notice Albus’ boredom and continued talking.

After an hour of agonizingly boring conversation Allison started to slow down with her words, she seemed fixated on Albus, staring into his eyes and urging him to say more than he had. Eventually she slid closer to him on the bench and tried to make eye contact with him for a few minutes before Albus gave in and looked at her. The second Albus returned her stare she started to lean forward to kiss Albus. Albus’ mind was racing faster than it had in a while, he couldn’t think of what to do, he could just kiss her and be over with it, but that would come with a lot of trouble. Before Albus could think of what to do she was less than a few inches from his face and Albus threw his hands in front of him in a panic, without even thinking about what he was doing. Allison sat up abruptly when she felt Albus’ hands pushing her away from him.

Albus tried to give her a reasonable explanation, he tried to make it up to her and say that he was just nervous and everything was going a bit too fast for him. No matter what Albus said Allison didn’t care and she promptly began to argue with him over why he invited her on a “date” if he would even miss her. In the midst of Allison arguing Albus saw somebody on the other side of the park, it was Gellert. He immediately felt trapped, Allison was yelling at him because he was “being rude” and Gellert, the reason he had gotten into this mess in the first place, was standing just a few yards away.

Albus watched hesitantly as Gellert walked towards him, he could obviously hear everything Allison was saying, in fact, everybody in the park could hear what Allison was saying. Gellert walked to the bench they were sitting on and smiled.

“Is everything alright?” Gellert said to Allison nicely  
“Everything was fine until I decided to meet this absolutely disgustingly rude boy who asked me on a date and then refused to kiss me. It’s a date for crying out loud Albus!” Allison said angrily  
“If he is truly that bad it might be a good idea to leave.” Gellert suggested  
“Well, maybe I will!” Allison said angrily before stomping away.

Gellert sat next to Albus and put his hand on Albus’ shoulder. He was saying something about how he was sorry that she had some that and that girls can be unpredictable sometimes.

“I didn’t want to date her anyway.” Albus said truthfully.  
“Why did you bring her here then?  
“I-It’s complicated.” Albus said, it wasn’t a lie, things were very complicated, it just wasn’t the whole story.

Gellert and Albus began to talk and Albus found himself able to talk to Gellert, much better than he had the day before, he wasn’t feeling like his stomachs was going to flip upside down and he didn’t feel like he had to run away. He smiled, maybe that “date“ was a good idea after all.


	4. Chapter 4

Albus and Gellert sat and talked for hours, unlike Allison, Gellert had conversations with meaning, with purpose, something Albus adored. As the sun set and the park became devoid of people Albus found himself absentmindedly staring at Gellert while he explained one of his many great ideas. Something about him was strange and mysterious, pulling those around him in and trapping them with his words.

"Are you okay?" Gellert said, waving his hand in front of Albus' face to get his attention.

Albus jumped and his face burned red. He didn’t want to look Gellert in the eyes so instead he looked near him. Gellert had a smug look on his face, he smiled at Albus, trying to get his attention and when that failed he did something unimaginable, he grabbed Albus’ hand and clasped it in between his own hands. Albus immediately looked at Gellert and Tried to pull his hand away but Gellert stoped him. He rubbed his thumb in circles over the palm of Albus’ hand and smiled.

“Stop, what are you doing?” Albus said with a shaky voice. 

“You don’t like it?” Gellert questioned smugly. 

”Uh, no, well um, yeah no. Please let go.” Albus said, trying not to react strangely in any way.

”I know you’re lying to me, your face is red and your pupils dilate when you look at me. You can’t hide something that obvious from me.” 

”please, you’re wrong, I don’t want you like that, please let go.” Albus said, for some reason he felt like he was on the verge of tears. 

”Calm down, it’s fine. You aren’t going to get in trouble for anything.” 

”Yes I will, anybody who commits homosexuality is sentenced to one year in Azkaban!” 

“Commits? That isn’t something you “commit” that’s something you are born with.” 

“Please, please stop.” 

”how tightly am I holding your hand? You could’ve pulled your hand away by now if you wanted to.” 

”b-but I, I didn’t noti-“ 

”Don’t worry about it, everything is alright.” 

”Why?” 

”I already said you can take your hand away.” 

Albus looked down, he didn’t want to take his hand away, he truly liked Gellert, but his fear that he would be caught scared him more than anything else about what was happening. Albus felt Gellert take his hand up to his lips and kiss it softly. Albus sighed quietly, even though this was the most criminal thing he had ever done, he felt safe and happy when Gellert did that. Gellert moved his hand so that their palms were touching and laced their fingers together. Albus’ breathing slowed down as Gellert held their hands in his lap, he stroked the back of Albus’ hand with his thumb, making Albus shiver from his touch. 

Albus knew that he should be going back to his house soon, but he didn’t want to, he wanted to stay right there. 

soon enough the silence was broken and Gellert continued to talk softly to Albus, who was still focused on the circular movements of Gellert’s thumb against his hand. Albus’ mind was racing, he wanted nothing more than this but at the same time this is the last thing he could ever want. He felt like a disgusting creature that was deserving of death since the day it was born.

Even though Albus was mostly calm, horrible thoughts started going through his head. He would be caught, everybody would find out and his reputation would be shattered, and so many other horrible things. His breathing quickened and his heart was racing. He started to panic. He felt like he couldn’t breathe and his heart was skipping beats all while he was gasping for air and drowning at the same time. He ripped his hand away from Gellert and avoided Gellert’s eye contact. Gellert was obviously seeing what was going on but Albus didn’t want anybody to talk to him. 

”Hey, are you okay, what’s happening?” Gellert sounded genuinely concerned for Albus. 

Albus felt his eyes burning with hoarded tears, he swallowed in an attempt to keep the back but a loud sob escaped his mouth. He clasped his hand over his mouth to muffle the sounds of his sobs and tears rolled down his cheeks. Gellert took Albus’ hands away from his mouth and pulled Albus closer to him. Albus sobbed violently, his breaths were coming is sharp inhales and he was choked on his own tears. Gellert wrapped his arms around Albus and ran his fingers through his hair. He could feel him shaking in his arms. Albus’ sobs cane to a sudden halt for a few seconds, followed by a pained choking sound before the sobs continued. 

“Don’t suppress your tears, it will hurt you more than it does when you let them out.” Gellert said softly to Albus in response to him trying to suppress his sobs. 

”I-I need t-t-to go h-home.” Albus sobbed into Gellert coat. 

“I’m not letting you go home in such a horrible condition.” Gellert replied 

Gellert pulled Albus so close to him that he was practically in his lap, and that is where he stayed while he sobbed until he had no tears left and his ribs hurt from crying. Gellert used his thumbs to wipe away the tears that stained Albus’ face and used a quick spell to dry his coat from Albus’ tears as well.


End file.
